I am just going to jump right into this by saying I am so so very excited for today's post. Last night a dear friend recommended I post a review of the blog Shelley the Republican. He warned me that it was disgustingly offensive and depressing, so I decided to wait until today to have a look so that I wouldn't go to sleep angry at the world. Well, I took a good look at the site, and rather than feel upset I have to admit I spent the entire time laughing my ass off. I am seriously wondering if this is some elaborate hoax by someone like Stephen Colbert, because the site is almost like a caricature of ignorant, religious, rightist Americans. But I'm not going to keep all the hilarity to myself. Instead, below you will find a breakdown of the site's features, and if you have the stomach for it you can find the blog here. I enthusiastically recommend each and every one of you sign up as part of the "Adopt a Liberal" feature, and give as much trouble as humanly possible.
For starters, the first thing you will see on the homepage is an "open letter to Japan". In this letter, the author explains that the natural disasters that have recently ravaged Japan are all due to the "godlessness" and heathenism of the nation. The writer goes on to explain that if only the Japanese would mass-convert to Christianity then God Almighty would put out all the fires and solve all their problems. This person goes as far as to guarantee "100%!" that if they convert God will save them, but if not there will be all kinds of biblical smackdown. Hey! I can do that too! If every one of you pass along my website to everyone you know, you'll instantly lose fifteen pounds and get a girlfriend/boyfriend and I'll even throw in a better-paying job; if you don't, either you or someone you love will die horribly in the next 72 hours. I 100% guarantee it. Captain Irony finishes with "Compassionately Yours..." Can you believe that shit? Sounds like someone's been hitting the bible a little hard and could use a healthy dose of dictionary, because compassion has nothing to do with that tasteless, crass, brazen excuse for a letter. But don't worry, it gets even better.
On the right side of the site you'll find a navigation bar, on which you will see "God's Hitlist". Just the intro to this section is jam-packed with ignorant bullshit. For example, "God gave us free choices no matter how vile, disgusting, horrible and venal they might be," and "Life in the 21st century speeds along faster than Hillary Clinton will wind up in Hell." Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Classic! You have to admit, this person is a comedic genius, even if they don't know it. You can just imagine some equally ignorant asshole in front of their computer saying to themselves "Yes, yes, AMEN!" Anyway, back to the list. The way it works with people is that if they have died their names are crossed out, beside which is added "God won". Okay, let's just think about that for a minute: Christians believe in an omnipotent, omniscient deity who rules the universe (or whatever they're calling it - Holy Kingdom?) with an iron fist. Even the idea of God having a hitlist is ridiculous; he should be able to smite whoever the hell he wants, right? So really would it be a surprise to staunch Christians that "God won"? Wouldn't he always win? Who would ever beat God? Morons. Anyway, on this list (which on its own is hysterical) are such illustrious characters as "Charles Darwin" and "Charly and Martin Sheen". I feel like I should add that the whole site is rife with grammatical and spelling errors of the most basic nature. If English is your first language you should really know better, so it just goes to testify toward how completely ignorant these people are.
Also on the "God's Hitlist" are "animal rights people", "environmentalists", "Muzlims" (yes, they incorrectly spelled Muslim), "vegetarians/vegans", "Germans", "college professors", "poets", "hybrid cars" (I laughed until I cried), "any and all American Idols", "friends, family and fans of any and all American Idols", and the "Curan" (Wow, how do you misspell a word that can be spelled two different ways?? Qu'ran, Koran, in case you're wondering).
In the section on the War On Terror you can find some delightfully arbitrary numbers, as well as some more offensive slander ("towelhead deaths"). On the page for "Problems", which is something of a Republican-Christian "Dr Laura", you can enjoy yourself by watching as each and every concerned query is answered with a sturdy "you're going to Hell". My personal favourite was the one titled "Porn Freak", where the respondent demonstrates a more detailed knowledge of pornography than someone that religious should. Hypocrite.
As you delve deeper into this Stronghold of Ignorance, you can find the poll section. If I tried to recount all the hilarity in this section I'd be here all day, but one that stood out was "What is Barack HUSSEIN Obama's hidden agenda?" The winning response was "introducing Negro-Fascism and killing white Americans" with a dominating 43%. Good to know paranoia, xenophobia and racism are still alive and well in the States.
Since abortion rights are something I hold near and dear, I decided to see what the site had to say on that. Well, all it proved was that the site's writers clearly have no idea how to categorize material, because the first thing that came up was on the disabled, not on abortion. However, this in itself wound up being a side-splittingly funny read. It was titled "End the R-Word", and for the briefest of moments I thought it might actually be something that wasn't dedicated to hate, discrimination, and violence against those who are different. Nope! End the R-Word is a campaign to eliminate the use of the word "retarded", which has now been relegated to the collection of words that are now politically incorrect and downright offensive to use. Initially I thought that the post was in support of this, as my understanding is that Christianity is all about love, tolerance, and helping one's neighbour. Well actually, Shelley the Republican claimed that the evil Liberals were waging a "culture-war jihad" (proving she has no idea what jihad means) and attempting to "demonize conservatives and Christians from noting the mental inferiority of morons and retards, when in reality this is a perfectly acceptable word to say in public, and fun as well." I wish I was making this up.
With clever word-plays like "lie-berals" and "dumbo-crats" scattered throughout the stimulating and convincing rhetoric, Shelley the Republican achieves nothing so well as convincing the world of her and her associates complete ignorance and bigotry. While I have already secured for myself a one-way ticket to Hell by being a vegetarian, abortionist, animal rights proponent, environmentalist and a liberal, I dearly hope that one day I too may be added to God's Hitlist. Because if that's the way God thinks, I can imagine no one who I'd rather make my enemy. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I did. Until next time, Arbiter Elegantiae