Technically, a
yougoogley eulogy is supposed to be a speech in praise of someone (typically dead). However, I have no intention of doing any such thing. Eulogy just seems to appropriately capture this fashion line's impending death. This post is going to be a dedication to the monstrosity that was Karl Lagerfeld's brain-vomit.
First up:
Wow. I mean WOW. Coco Chanel's classic suit looks like it has been attacked by a biblical-style horde of moths. I mean seriously Karl? Who in their right mind would wear this monstrosity (besides Lily Allen)? Also, check out those
shoes.
I would like to meet the person who can make those look good. I remember owning a similar pair in the late '90s. They weren't nice then, and they sure aren't nice now, even with the Chanel brand backing them.
Next on the chop block is this bit of garbage. What I really love is that it emphasizes exactly nothing good about the female body. Who the fuck wants a cape draping off their breasts? Not to mention a transparent skirt so you can show off your uggo underwear. This thing doesn't even look comfortable. It's like lingerie gone horribly, horribly wrong. What are those feathers doing there? If Marilyn Manson designed a negligee I think I would imagine it looking a lot like this.
Now in case the dress above didn't showcase your vagina as much as you'd like, there's always this one. Please note the entirely transparent skirt. I'm sorry, but I don't really want to have to get a Brazilian wax every time I trot out this thing. I will say that I won't be surprised to see Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton wearing this one though, they seem to like that kind of exposure.
Now speaking of totally inappropriate unwearable clothing, next we have just one example of Karl Lagerfeld's seemingly all-consuming love of hot pants. Gosh, I can't even count how many times I've stared at my closet in the morning and thought to myself "I just really need some tweed hot pants!" Probably because it's never happened. But really, there is no excuse for this. I mean even if you forget about the fact that they're completely impractical and require waxing-before-wearing, let's just point out that the number of women fit enough to wear these are probably few and far between. Furthermore, they wouldn't wear those, because in theory anyone who takes care of themselves that well isn't going to destroy their image with those awful shorts. You know who would wear them? The obese women on
People of Walmart.
Our next dress is what I imagine Cousin It would look like if he dyed his hair strawberry blonde. Enough said.
I'm not exactly sure what Karl was thinking when he came up with this beauty, but I think he may have had a vendetta against this model. Because it takes an awful lot to make those girls look fat and ugly. I mean, where is her waist? Is she hiding a child under there? WHAT is that necklace? It looks like the hair you pull out of the shower drain that's been styled to drape unappealingly around your neck. Well done Karl, revenge achieved.
These next shoes could also come from Marilyn Manson's naughty closet. Every time I see them I just shout in my head "What the fuck?!" Who on earth would wear leather leg warmers with open-toed shoes? It's not like you ever say "Well my feet are super warm, but my legs are ice cold!" If you do, you clearly have an untreated medical issue. Ugh, they're just SO UGLY. Ugly and impractical.
Now, I will point out that Karl did try to stay a little on-trend in his Spring season. He featured a light turquoise blue ensemble, as well as an all-white look (which I've seen a lot of), a few floral dresses and a Japanese-inspired outfit (another big one on Spring runways). The trouble is, he made all these looks as ugly as humanly possible. Ladies and gentleman, Exhibit A:
