A World of Hurt

I have a little treat for you guys today.  Back in eleventh or twelfth grade my English teacher gave us an assignment to write a one page essay on anything we wanted...  I suppose that makes more sense if I add that I attended a small town public school.  Anyway, this was at the height of the Chuck Norris jokes fad and I took her assignment very literally.  So, I wrote an essay on Chuck Norris entirely based on the jokes circulating about him.  It was delightfully fun to write and it's probably my only work from my high school days that I'm still proud of.  Unfortunately in the years that followed it seemed to get lost in the bowels of our numerous computers and I had sadly believed it was lost forever.

Not so.  While digging around today in an old laptop for some resume business I found my Chuck Norris essay.  Though there are definitely some misplaced commas and some awkward sentences, it is just as amusing to me now as it was then, and I thought I'd share with you all this little gem from days gone past.  Now, without further adieu this is my essay, "A World of Hurt":

            Chuck Norris has proved to be one of the most fascinating people of the 20^th century, with capabilities so awe-inspiring he has even made himself something of a religious idol. He also has qualities of unparalleled brutality, instilling great fear in all.  His supreme and God-like features paired with his talent for death mark him apart from even the most brutal tyrants of history.

The reason for Chuck Norris’ elevation to godliness can most likely be attributed to the terrifying power he wields.  As in the time of the Greeks and Romans, those who prayed to them knew the Gods were to be feared and worshiped.  The terrible force with which they could strike made them un-human, and were believed to be indestructible.  Chuck’s status may be explained by this fact: “Chuck Norris doesn’t need kevlar.  It isn’t that he’s bulletproof, it’s that bullets are too terrified to penetrate his skin”.  Coupled with sayings such as “Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting.  The word hunting implies the possibility of failure.  Chuck Norris goes killing,”; this powerful man seems to have transformed himself into an almighty being—with the aid of his trademark roundhouse kick.

To achieve such a metamorphosis and thus attain the aura of an ancient god, he would need to exhibit a cruelty beyond compare. It was by committing atrocities of unbridled horror that provided him with his power over humanity.  Proof of this can be found in other Chuck legends:  “A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lays potato chips saying ‘Betcha can’t eat just one!’ Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.” Even more bone chilling is this episode: “Chuck Norris once killed five people in less than a second.  The only thing he said after the incident was ‘Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies.”  His unique homicidal tendencies and his lack of mercy make him a power to be reckoned with.

Proof of his transmutation from man to God can be supported by some new liturgical canons currently doing the rounds among the general population: “Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus”; “the Bible was originally titled ‘Chuck Norris and Friends’”; and lastly, “Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, ‘What Would Chuck Norris Do?’”.  This evidence begs the question “exactly how powerful is Chuck?” We will perhaps never know, but can be deeply impressed by another of his breakthroughs.  In this last quote we see something quite foreboding, he passes yet another boundary becoming not only a God to be feared, but someone so powerful even Satan cannot contend against his fury.  “Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.  Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.  The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.  They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.”

As modern science will tell us, these “facts” are clearly fabricated, but to have such a reputation proves Chuck Norris to be quite the cultural phenomenon.  What great actions has he committed to become so widely feared and acknowledged?  Truly someone who has achieved such fame must have a life worth knowing about, proving Chuck Norris is, one of the most fascinating people of the 20^th century.